These are NOTES ON A HIGH
MOTIVATION WHEN YOU’RE LOW
BLACK GAWSESS RANTS
The heart wants to feel that sweet sensation called love. I have always been a lover of love, because I was shown love as a child, though it was taken from my siblings and I at a very early age. Our dad was never in the picture, and our mom had to immigrate to a foreign land for work. So, I had to hold on to the sweet precious memories, for she loved us so perfectly! I still remember the feelings of happiness, peace, excitement and morning worship mixed with prayer and singing and laughter and breakfast! The love we were given was even more precious because it was mingled with a strong and reassuring faith in God. Mommy was a praying woman, and though she had no other option but to leave so she could better provide for us, her presence was still very strong. I carried these memories in my heart, and they are ever present to this day along my journey now with God.
Sadly, though the absence of a father left a pain within me, and a longing to feel the love of a man with strong arms to hold me tight and keep me safe and always in his sight! Translation being closed off from having a dad, left an opening for bad choices and a desire to get lost in older men. Maybe I should say I developed a “Daddy complex”, as most young girls do who have come from broken homes or fatherless homes. I spent most of my youth and adulthood searching for a love so true that it cured the terrible missing mommy and daddy blues.
Along my walk on the road to true love, there were foolish infatuations, misguided promiscuity, near hostage situations in desperate relations, and yes, the ever-popular toxic situationships. I spent so much time looking for love in the eyes of older but broken men who I can now say took advantage of my inexperience with healthy romantic love. They left me weakened to the core that it took me years to finally realize that real love was so much more than what they could afford. Still a part of letting go of the past, is becoming seasoned and experienced enough to know that they too were damaged by their past and were only being what they were taught to be by society, prior unhealthy relationships, and from misguided upbringings like me. So today I say to them, and men like them, I forgive them, and I thank them for their attempts at loving this once broken woman, because some of them to this day are still my friends.
Lest I digress, as I grew older the search continued as the hunger for true love got more intense, for it appears the older you get the bigger of a fool you become for love! Once you fully give yourself to someone who inflicts any type of pain in you be it physical, emotional or mental they weaken you so much more quickly and fiercely. These types of unkind relationships disable the part of your brain that tells you to run and save yourself, and you find yourself focusing on them and no one else. Relationships like these seemingly activates the part of your brain that makes you stay stuck like there’s crazy glue on every part of you! Maybe you stay to prove to yourself you are not the problem or because you have become so dependent on the relationship, be it financially or emotionally, to the point where you lose yourself therefore becoming the woman they want you to be, usually a helpless shell of your true self. By the grace of GOD, some of us do get out, but the deeper the wounds, the longer the healing time, the harder it becomes to free your mind even after leaving toxicity behind.
Some of us venture into better relationships, but there are those of us who take the more familiar road and dive right back into what we know, unhealthy relationships for we keep attracting the same type of individuals who at first shine a light so bright it captivates us for a while, but then eventually your light outshines them, and they won’t stop tearing you down till only God can pick you up off the ground. It was God I finally cried to like a baby to be released from the captivity of relationship toxicity. I have not looked back once; my focus is on my now journey with God and my heart is stronger and wiser.
I have always known that love is love only when its love, it just took me a long time to realize that the sacred type of love was already inside me, and I spent too much time feeding it to those who have never experienced such a pure form of love. In doing so I depleted much of my God given light, for they couldn’t stop taking and taking because it felt so good being loved so purely and for free.
I had to draw back on my many gifts from God to find ways to heal myself, I do a Self Help remedy I call: “SELF RESTORATION” Theres’s dance music writing Prayer and it all leads back to the truest form of love, SELF LOVE. I had to fall back in love with me like when I was a child, and love and faith was all I knew. I remember that I was still the beautiful girl God created me to be.
The moral of this Rant… I can honestly say my deep desire to be loved made me accept the weak attempts at love my partners showed, and I also remember staying in many relationships out of fear of leaving or fear of losing the financial security I was being shown as love. A few of the relationships I was in I was usually the younger partner, and at the time men showed their love by taking care of your financial needs and in turn you somewhat belonged to them. They would remind you of what you would lose if you left or in some cases it became dangerous to attempt to leave.
Being in those types of controlling relationships were very difficult, because they messed with you in so many ways, some irreparable. I lost myself repeatedly as the pattern continued. I went from one bad relationship to the next and I can now safely say growing up with absentee parents in a broken home led to my brokenness as I was maneuvering the journey with blinders, no examples of healthy relationships, of sweet romance, of pure friendships within the relationship, just submission and subjection to intimidation under the guise of protection.
Throughout early adulthood these types of unhealthy relationships followed me until I became smart enough to know how to separate my baggage from their heavy loads. I eventually had enough of trying to be a superhero to the broken, and I took a few years off from the dating scene and just took care of all my needs and became a stronger version of me. I just decided to live and enjoy my life, my friends and though I made some silly mistakes along the way, they were mine to make but I learnt from them.
When I eventually started dating again, I was able to have healthier relationships, not perfect but I was better able to function within the relationship as an individual. So though not what I was searching for, they were kinder, and I was more fulfilled, and most importantly there were no financial dependencies or lingering “daddy complexes” so I could walk out the door as I pleased. I found kinder men who nurtured loved and protected me, some even helped me heal from my past but in the end, it was me that healed me. I remembered who I was and in doing so I changed HIS STORY to MY STORY, because ultimately mine was better. You can’t be good to anyone if they are not even good enough to themselves. So, remember how to love you so much, nobody can tear you down, and be kind to others, if your love isn’t true then please do not feed them lies and trample their hearts by the wayside. Remember what you sew is what you reep!
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