IMAGINE LOSING LOVE THEN FINDING YOURSELF!

WHEN YOU LOSE THAT TOXIC LOVE, GO FIND A HAPPIER YOU   

NOTES ON A HIGH BLACK GAWDESS RANTS

MOTIVATION WHEN YOURE LOW

THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS AND WHEN THE HEART LOSES WHAT IT DESPERATELY DESIRES THE PAIN RUNS DEEP. I REMEMBER ALL MY GREATEST LOVES, AND I REMEMBER THE PAINS OF LOSING THEM ALL. IT FELT LIKE I WOULD STOP BREATHING, AS IF THE AIR WAS BEING DRAINED FROM MY BEING. I REMEMBER RELATIONSHIPS THAT I THOUGHT TO BE TRUE, TURNED OUT TO BE AN ABSULUTE LIE IT WAS LIKE LOSING MY MIND. IT WAS LIKE LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE OR EVEN THE ABILITY TO SMILE. I HAVE CRIED SOME TEARS THAT COULD MAKE THE RIVER NILE APPEAR TO BE RUNNING DRY.

I REMEMBER FEELING DRAINED TO THE CORE, LIKE HOW COULD LOVE WANT ME NO MORE? TRUTH BE TOLD, I WAS IN DENIAL FOR I FELT IT THE VERY SECOND LOVE GREW COLD. I WAS INCAPACITATED THOUGH, FOR I NOW KNOW IT WAS OVER LONG BEFORE WE EVEN GOT TO THE BEGINNING. THESE WARNING SIGNS SHOW THEMSELVES IN MANY WAYS, BUT YOURE SO BLINDED BY YOUR NEED TO BELIEVE THAT THE LOVE IS LOVE THAT YOU BECOME A VICTIM TO THEIR SELFISH NEEDS.

I REMEMBER LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS PARTS OF MYSELF, TIME AND TIME AGAIN EVEN TURNING MY BACK ON FRIENDS, DISTANCING MYSELF FROM LIFE AND THINGS THAT ONCE SERVED ME WELL, UNCONSCIOUSLY BECOMING MEEK AND MILD. TRYING TO BE THEIR REASON TO SMILE, FILLING THEIR CUPS WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER WHILE DRINKING FROM MY CUP THAT THEY FILLED WITH DISASTER.

I REMEMBER FORGETTING THE MAGIC OF BEING ME, FOOLISHLY BECOMING THE WOMAN, THEY WANTED ME TO BE. TO BE HONEST THOUGH, THEY TRULY DESIRED THE WOMAN I WAS WHEN THEY FIRST LAID EYES ON ME AND GOT TO KNOW THE TRUE DEPTHS OF ME, BUT DUE TO THEIR  INSECURITIES AND JEALOUSY THEY RUINED THE GREATEST PARTS OF ME. IT WAS ALL JUST THEIR STRATEGY TO ENSURE I WOULD BE TOO BUSY TRYING TO PICK MYSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR THAT WAY I WOULD BE TOO BROKEN TO MAKE IT OUT THEIR DOOR.THE MOST IRONIC PART OF THIS TYPE OF BITTER ROMANCE, IS SEEING THEM NOW BEING THE PERSON YOU SOMEWHAT MOLDED THEM INTO BECOMING, BUT NOW THEY ARE SHINING THAT LIGHT ON SOMEONE ELSE. STILL, I BESEECH YOU TAKE A BOW FOR YOU HAVE MADE IT OUT THE CLOUDS, SO LIVE YOUR LIFE OUT LOUD!

THANKS TO GOD I EVENTUALLY REALIZED THAT ALL THE BROKEN PIECES I WAS SWEEPING OFF THE FLOOR WERE THE MOST SACRED AND SPECIAL PARTS OF ME. AS I FOUND THE COURAGE TO START PUTTING ME BACK TOGETHER, I REMINDED MYSELF WHO I WAS CREATED TO BE AND I STARTED FOCUSING ON FILLING MY SOUL WITH LIGHT AND FALLING BACK INLOVE WITH SELF. I HAD TO DRAW BACK ON THE INNER GAWDESS ENEGERGY THAT ONCE FLOWED THROUGH ME. I USED MY VERY OWN PERSONAL AND RELIGIOUS HEALING STARTEGIES TO HELP ME HEAL FROM THE TOXICITY OF THEIR LOVE. I CALL THESE HEALING TECHNIQUES,  "SELF RESTORATION", ITS BASICALLY POURING SO MUCH LOVE INTO SELF INORDER TO GET YOU BACK TO OR HELP YOU DISCOVER THE WOAMN YOU WERE BORN TO BE. 

I HAVE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT ROMANTIC LOVE LATELY AND I AM GLAD TO HAVE HAD SOME GREAT EXPERIENCES THAT OUTWEIGHED THE BAD. FOR IT’S KNOWING WHAT TRUE LOVE AND PASSION FEELS LIKE THAT ALLOWED ME TO STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN THE GREATEST. THE WORLD JUDGES YOU IF YOU ARE SINGLE, AND THEY JUDGE YOU IF YOU ARE NOT IN A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP, SO WE AT TIMES SETTLE FOR JUST BEING WITH ANYONE. THE BELIEF IS THAT ITS BETTER TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAN TO BE ALONE. BUT BEING IN A HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T GIVE YOU PEACE, INFFACT IT DRAINES YOUR PEACE AND SANITY. LEARING HOW TO LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT YOU NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO HARM YOU EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICYALLY, MENTALLY OR SPIRITUALLY IS THE GREATEST SHOW OF SELF LOVE.